“Closer to the Edge” by 30 Seconds to Mars was an instant favorite for me when I heard it on their album THIS IS WAR. The lyrics touched me and the music spoke to me.
When I got the phone call in December 2009 to come to the hospital because my mom was going under the knife for a brain aneurism and the outcome didn’t look good, I got in my car and drove as fast as I could to the hospital. “Closer to the Edge” was playing as I slammed the car into park, took a deep breath to gain composure for my dad and sister, and said a prayer to whoever was listening to me. When I got back in the car that night, tired, scared, and feeling lost, the song was still on. I started the song over and listened. I listened to the music, they lyrics, and the passion that was in the song. I pressed repeat on the CD player in my car and told myself that I would listen to the song until my mom got out of the hospital. For nearly a week, this song was a constant reminder of everything my mom was for me and everything that I learned from her. I hear it now and it sometimes makes me cry. Sometimes it makes me smile. It will always remind me to live. It reminds me, as the lyrics go, to continue forward so “I’ll never regret. I’ll never forget. I’ll live my life closer to the edge.”
So today, 8 months and 1 day after her death, I dedicate this song to the memory of mom, who I miss more than words can explain. I cry because I miss her. I cry today because of all the would haves and should haves she should be here for and for all things she will miss. I cry because I love her and I really I just want to hear her say “Goodnight baby” to me one more time. There is a hole that will never be filled by her loss, but I know one day I’ll see her again. I know one day, her death will make sense to me and my family. Until then, all I have is music that gets me through the day.
Like the girl at the end of the video says, “some people pray, I turn up the radio.”
This is me turning up the radio right now.