Songs of My Life - February 2011

-Barton Hollow by The Civil Wars
It was a free song on iTunes.

-Powerful Stuff
There’s product placement and then there’s song placement and I think this song is used perfectly in whatever car commercial I heard it on. Don’t remember the car, but I remember the song.

-Rise by The Frames
Again, song placement. This was used in an episode of Human Target.

-Dynamite by Taio Cruz
I hear this song all the time and it’s one of my guilty pop pleasures.

-Shimmy Shimmy Ya by Ol’ Dirty Bastard
Some may be shocked by this but I am a Wu Tang fan and I do love some old school Ol’ D B!

-Born This Way by Lady GaGa
Whatever inspired her, I’m glad she wrote this song. An anthem for everyone and anyone.

-Porn Star Dancing by My Darkest Days featuring Ludacris
Just a good dirty rock song.

-Fire It Up by Thousand Foot Krutch
This song is played at every Charlotte Checkers game.

-Pumped Up Kicks by Foster the People
Catchy little ditty.

-You Gotta Be by Des’ree
Just love the lyrics to this song.

-Can’t Take This by Orgy
This is how I feel at work sometimes “No I can't take this ‘cause this is fucking up my mind.”

-Breathe by The Prodigy
Again, song placement. Thank you Human Target.

-In the Summertime by Thirty Merc
Theme song to my newest TV obession Bondi Rescue & it’s just a great summer song!

-Fresh Green Freedom by Xavier Rudd
One of my favorite bands honeyhoney is touring with Xavier and thankfully, I decided to check out who he was. One of my favorite songs from his Koonyum Sun CD

-The Hard Way by Thirsty Merc
Liked “In the Summertime” so much I bought another song of theirs!

Changing for You

Today is my last day of unhealthy eating & being a lazy slob.

I’m changing my habits for you. I can hear you tell me “you know you can do it, you just have to work hard at it.” Hopefully in 30 days I’ll be 10lbs lighter, eating healthier than I do now, and feel better about myself.

I know I can do it and that I’m just lazy in my motivation. It stops now. I’m going to make you proud Mama.

This change is for you. You always believed in me and now I just need to believe in me too.

Heaven's Biggest Angel

On December 17, 2009 @ 12:55 pm, Heaven gained their biggest angel...even if she’s only four nine and weighs in at 85 lbs.

Tonight, the heavens shine a lot brighter with their best star in the sky.

Today, my mama, my Crazy Little Thai Woman, the woman who I adored, passed away.

I could go on about what happened, but those who know me and who I hold dear in my life know so there’s no need to repeat. Those who don’t know me, just know this: She lives forever in me, in my sister, in my father, in my nieces, and in every breathe that we breath. She is watching down over not only me, my dad, my sister, my nieces, my brother-in-law, but she is watching down over all of us. She will guide you when you are lost. She will answer the questions you have. She will be there for you with a caring ear and a heart as big as the world. Just look up to the sky and find the brightest star and talk. She is there. She will always be there.

My Letters

I had this idea come to me last night.

Last night wasn’t a good night for me. I miss my mom but last night, I missed her a lot more than I usually did. I really needed motherly advice, her motherly advice, but she’s no longer here to give it to me. So as I cried off and on for most of the night, caught up in sadness and asking an empty space for advice, and getting nothing, I wrote in my own blog for something, anything...

As I tried to sleep, I was talking to my mom, the energy that I feel is around me that’s her spirit, and wanted to tell her things. So I did. I just pretended she was sitting next me and this site was born. These are things that I would have said to my mom if she were here with me. These are feelings I would share with her.

These are letters to my mom. She might not be able to reply to them or hug me when I need it, but at least, I’m not holding on to something that could destroy me. I’m not going to hold onto the grief or the sadness. I’m going to let it go and make something positive of it.

I wear my heart on my sleeve for all the world to see and here are all the letters for the world to see. I won’t stop just because this subject might be taboo or wrong. If one person reads this and is helped, my job here on earth has been done.

So here are my letters...

I Think I Got This Figured Out

Well, I’d like to think I do have this thing called life figured out, but who am I to kid Mama. I’m great at giving the right advice and I’m great at listening. I suck at following advice for others. I think it’s a trust issue. I don’t know why I have trust issues, but I do. I think the trust issues are the fact that I don’t trust myself. Did I just figure this out Mama? I don’t trust myself so therefore I don’t trust others.

It can’t be that easy can it?

I didn’t think so.

Here’s what I’ve learned tonight Mama. Follow your gut. Be yourself. Be honest. You always were that. Now only if I can be that 100% of the time.

Follow the Leader

I’m sitting here listening to Matthew Ryan’s “Follow the Leader.” I just adore this song. It’s simply beautiful.

The lyrics “We‘re in this solar system. Together and alone...Now you can follow your gut, or you follow you can follow the past but if you knew an eclipse was coming, why’d you even ask?”

I’ve been struggling with a lot of of emotions the last few days.

Last night was a teary-eyed mess of missing my mom a lot because I needed advice only a mother can give.

Add that last week, I was also riding an emotional high from two successful promotions at work and also being exhausted from busting my ass for those promotions.

Then toss in the whole being a female and sucking at the fact that I suck at being a girl, and I was in need of some of advice, hug, TLC, whatever...

As I struggled with the fact that my mom wasn’t there to give me her motherly advice, I tried other sources...friends, family, my daily horoscope, looking for signs, etc. None of were which is what I needed.

Today, it hit me, my mom would just tell me “Don’t be a chicken shit.” Which relates back to yesterday’s The Fine Art of Living blog entry...JUST DO IT.

My mom would always tell me that she was so happy with the way I turned out because she and my dad had raised a smart woman who knew what she wanted and that she didn’t have to worry about me. They taught me to be independent and to take care of myself so when I do need help, I rarely ask for it or just don’t know how to. Last night, I could have used a shoulder to cry on but didn’t know how to ask for it or who to ask. At the same time, I didn’t want anyone there. A fault of being overly independent or just afraid to let someone in.

What does that have to do with the price of tea in China? Not a damn thing really, it just leads into the next segment of this blog...

I might be a smart & independent woman but I suck at being a girl. I’m not a girly girl. I don’t like pink and though I like getting dressed up, I don’t look as if I stepped out of the latest “hey look at my boobs and ass are falling out” fashion catalog. I always feel like my butt is hanging out of my dress or I’m going to have a fashion disaster worse than Janet Jackson @ the Super Bowl. I don’t get caught up in a lot of he said-she said drama and I usually say exactly what’s on my mind which makes me seem like a bitch or that I just don’t care. I’m honest, maybe brutally honest, but it’s all I know how to be. A close friend and I were discussing why he always cock blocks me when I tell him I think a guy is cute or that I like a guy and his girlfriend said to him, “You can’t handle the fact that she thinks like a guy instead of your baby sister.” At first, I didn’t know if I should be upset by that or not, but then I realized, it was a compliment. I don’t think like a girl. I think people should be honest, say what’s on their mind, and not get upset. Guys do it all the time. They go have beers afterwards. Girls be honest with one another and it’s an honest to god knock down drag out war. I recently had a disagreement with a friend. We got drunk and we yelled not so nice things at each other. Any other girl would have died. We went out drinking again the next weekend and made a rule that we couldn’t do 8 hours of drinking shots. Again, not a girly girl but all the advice that has been given to me recently is girly advice. Don’t do this, don’t say that, do this instead, and say this.

I listened and took the advice and realized today, I was letting someone else choose my path. I was following the leader and I knew where this path was going to go. I had been down this road before. I recognized all the signs.

“Don’t be a chicken shit!” I can see my mom’s smiling face right now. She had a smile that was genuine, but if she knew you were being a big ol’ scaredy cat, her smile was like the freaking Cheshire cat. Her smile at me right now...Cheshire cat.

So I’m going to stop following the leader.

I’m going to go with my gut.

I’m going to be the only me I know how to be...honest with myself and with others

I’m going to stop doubting myself and I’m going to stop letting others control the probabilities...

The probabilities don’t matter. What matters is what is possible and infinity is a great place to start!

The Fine Art of Living

There are times when I’m going to see my family that I just break out into tears. It’s because I remember that my mom isn’t going to be there when I arrive. It’s like I forget that she has passed away.

Today, I spent the day with my sister, my bro-in-law, & nieces. We did some shopping and hanging out. It was great to have them near. It was a normal outing for us. I could feel the energy of my mom around us and smiling down on us. There was no fighting, just lots of laughter and love. I think it was something we all needed.

I’ve talked to my mom a lot this week. More than I usually do. I need advice and an ear that only a mother can give or do. I hope she visits me in my dreams to give me answers or sends me the signs I need for answers. It’s not the same as a hug or word advice from her lips, but it’s all I have now. It’s the only way she can communicate to me.

I’ve realized this week that there is no manual for living, loving, and being.

You just do what you do and don’t hurt anyone in the process. Yeah, I might get hurt in the process, but as long as I don’t cause the hurt, I can put myself back together again from the hurt of others. I’m use to it. I have a stockpile of superglue so I’m always prepared.

Do what you do...maybe that’s my mom telling me that. Maybe I’ve always known you just have to do whatever it is you want to do. There’s no real answers. Close your eyes and jump into the unknown. If you believe in yourself, you’ll soar. You brave life and hope it doesn’t kick your teeth in.

So, even though my mom’s not here to give me the answers that I seek, I think she’d just tell me what she’s always told me, and that is just to be honest. Be honest with myself, my heart, my feelings, and to others. It’s what she & my dad has always told me and my sister. Be honest and be who you are and no one else.

The fine art of living is just doing...Nike had it right. Just do it.

I just have to take a deep breath and live and believe. That’s all...

Key West Baby

Let’s talk about Key West...

I love this place. I love the vibes of the city, the scenery, the island, the locals who welcome you, the insanity of strangers, the tropical drinks, and the “hey look, naked people, can I get another margarita,” attitude.

My first trip to The Conch Republic was back in 2000. I was fresh out of a relationship and I needed a vacation. I packed a suitcase, put myself on a plane, and flew to Key West. I would have loved to gone with friends, but looking back, going to Key West by myself on my first single girl vacation was the best thing I had ever done! I stayed at the Casa Marina. I walked and biked around the island. I wasn’t nervous or scared that I was by myself. I just enjoyed it. I sat on the beach of the hotel I was at, I swam in the blue ocean, I visited my first nudist bar when a friend called and told me that a friend, Jeff, was also in Key West. I met up with him and his girlfriend and we hung out. It was my last memory of Jeff. He passed away from cancer years later. Two days later, my friend Melissa called me. She and her fiancee were coming down. We went deep sea fishing during the day. I caught a salt water catfish. “All the way from South Carolina,” the co-captain said. That night, we went shark fishing. The next night we met up for drinks at Irish Kevin’s. They were celebrating their birthday and at midnight, the owners bought the house drinks for the next thirty minutes. Our waitress shows up at our table with a tray full of margaritas just for us because we had tipped her well all night. When I say tray, there were about 18 of the drinks on the table just for the 3 of us. I called my parents and told them I wanted to quit my job and sell Lemon Quench on Mallory Square. They suggested I get back on a plane when it was time, but I didn’t want to. I knew why Jimmy Buffett wrote “I Have Found Me a Home,” and why Hemingway built a house there. I felt inspired as a writer to walk through were he once sat and wrote Old Man and The Sea. Key West was a place my soul felt at home and at peace.

My second trip to the island was with my roommate and great friend, Jennifer in 2003. It was November and cold here in Charlotte. I had just flown back from Albany, NY where I had worked on Ice Wars. Dressed in shorts and flip flops our friend Tim dropped us off at Charlotte Douglas Airport and sent us to the island. Jennifer and I drank ourselves silly. Our hotel bartender, Rob, got us so drunk one night, Jennifer was out of commission the next day. I had a free breakfast on my birthday. We did an outback boat trip. Three hours out into the middle of the ocean, kayaking, drinking, meeting new people, and then three hours back. We went to swim with the dolphins, saw none, but I tried snorkeling. I realized I hated it. Maybe it was because I’m not coordinated enough to breath through a snorkel mask. We hung out a bar called Magnolias and bought drinks for underage boys. (We didn’t know they were 20 at the time.) The bartender was drinking with us. He didn’t seem to care. It was one of the best birthday memories I have. I laugh hysterically at the memory of me falling off a bike, Jennifer climbing into the largest adirondack chair ever made in her skirt, and the two of laying on the sidewalk laughing and enjoying the city.

My third trip was last Fourth of July (2009) with more great friends, Adrienne, Amy, and Joe. Amy, Joe, and I flew into Miami and then drove through the Florida Keys in a convertible. It was amazing. Adrienne flew in the next day and the four of us created a little havoc on that island. We did one of those party barges that allowed us to parasail, jet ski, and swim out in the middle of the ocean. 8 hours of nothing but sun and water. Countless hours of pouring margaritas, mojitos, and tropical drinks into my stomach. Adrienne and I taking Amy and Joe to their first drag show where we drank $200 plus in mojitos in less than 2 hours. We rode bikes around the island at night and in the day. I “fell” into the ocean and ruined my camera at the Southern Most Point, but I didn’t care. Adrienne and Joe got tattoos while Amy and I had “the let’s eat and drink tour” of Key West. We visited the cemetery, ate oysters and drank freshly made margarita’s at Pepe’s. The four of us spent the day sailing. We joined Capt. Ran (aka The Naked Captain as we called him) and Lacey for an all day sailing trip. Amy and Joe snorkeled, Adrienne caught rays and read on the boat, and I drifted aimlessly in the water. It was fantastic.

I’m going back again this year. It will be 10 years since my first trip. I’m going with Adrienne, Amy, Joe, and new Key West first timer, Melany. We’ve already booked our sailing day with Capt. Ran. I can’t wait to walk up and down Duval Street a million times. I can’t wait to get silly drunk with the crew. I can’t wait to ride around the island on a bike and sit at Mallory Square as the sun sets. I’ll visit the Southern Most Point again and find that heart is at peace.

Key West has this magic about it. Yes, it seems like a city of non-stop partying and debauchery, but if you listen, it tells you a story. Every local I’ve met has given me this story: “I came down for a vacation, trip, visit, etc, and never left.” Those that do leave, come back. Some come back and stay for good. Some, like me, come back year after year. Key West isn’t a place I could get tired of. There’s still too much I haven’t discovered there. There’s still too much love in my heart for an island that sits in the middle of the ocean.

Key West...One Human Family...

Key West, the one place my soul feels at home and my heart is at peace.

Listening to “Island Fever” by Jimmy Buffett

Figments of the Imagination

As a writer, I try keep my worlds separate: the make believe world of my novels and the reality of my real life. Sometimes, I am inspired by real world things and create make believe worlds out of that inspiration.

Confusing? Yes.

When I started Barfly, I was inspired by the song “Barfly” by Ray Lamontagne. I named the novel after that song. The lyrics just painted this picture of a woman in my head. A woman who’s story needed to be told. I just didn’t know what her story was going to be, but I knew what I wanted the first chapter to say and how I wanted it to feel. Even though I didn’t have a full idea of what I wanted the novel to be about, I did know that she sees the most beautiful person on the planet and falls head over heels. As the writer, I couldn’t see him. No matter how hard I looked, imagined, or so on. Her most beautiful person just didn’t exist in my mind.

Then one day I, out of the blue, I look across a room and see a man in a suit. Hello, I just saw my character’s most beautiful person on the planet. What’s he like? What does he do? Who is he? I ask these questions not for me, but for my character.

As the novel reveals itself to me in bits and pieces through this image I have etched into my head, I create what type of person he is, what he does, what he likes and so on.

I don’t know this person or anything about him. I only know him as the character I have created for my novel.

Insert reality.

Reality will get me every time.

Man in suit becomes a man I meet for a brief moment. I had sick feeling in my stomach because I didn’t want what my character had become to be tarnished by reality. It would have have sucked big time. I rather liked my character. I compare it to meeting your favorite band and having them turn out to be dicks. Makes me like the band less.

But I walked away from my brief encounter happy. Character was not ruined.

Listening to “Kite” by U2