At this Very Moment

It’s 10:20 pm. Do you know where your life is at?

As I lounge in my pjs, listening to the weather of the gods slay outside and hearing the drumming from Amos slide through the night, I started to think about what my play list for this Saturday’s Pink Elephant Music Listening Party would be. What theme would it have this time? Would it be genre specific? What did I want it to convey if anything?

Then it hit me. I wanted it to be where I was in my life right now. At this very moment. Sunday, March 28th, 2010 @ 10:26 pm.

Then the next question I had to answer was this: where is my life at?

The answer, I have. My life is exactly where it should be. I am exactly where I should be. I may have stumbled, fell, made decisions (good, bad, ugly, great and no so great), been kicked, beaten, cried, laughed, loved, and so on, but it all happened to get me where I should be at this very moment.

Sitting in my pjs, writing, thinking, believing, living, & loving.

Everything that has happened has happened for a reason. Life doesn’t throw more than you can handle. I can choose to make my choices without fear or I can let the fear rule me. This week, I kicked fear in the teeth. Tomorrow, fear and I could fight a bloody battle, but I’m not going to go down without a fight.

My life is where I want it to be. My life is mine. My life is my own choices. I don’t regret any choice I make. I learn from all of them. They make me stronger.

And if you’re reading this and you know me well (or not so well), you may be sitting in your chair or wherever you choose to read, and are asking, “Shelia what happened this week or what happened to make you feel this way?”

My answer to you: life happened.

My crazy, unplanned, and never a dull moment life happened.

Just like the brand spanking new roller coaster I rode on Friday, life is one hill at a time. Some hills will take your breath away and some hills will make your stomach sink, but all in all, the ride is always a blast! You get off and say to yourself, “I want to do it again.”

Once the ride of life is done, it’s done for good so I’m enjoying it all as much as I can right now at this very moment.

Here are my 10 songs for where I am right now in a thought...(cheesy, but this is my space and I write what I want when I want.)

To “Beat the Devil’s Tattoo” of insecurity, I think I have finally learned to stop comparing myself to “Felicia” and her fake nails, boobs, and face. In fact, the person I’m comparing myself too is more than likely not all that. I’ve just made them that way because I’ve lacked self confidence in myself. Every girl is searching for a man that will shout, “I’ll Be Your Man.” Some settle. Some don’t and somehow among the sea of choices you have to find the man that doesn’t want all the “Gold Guns Girls” in the world. Me though, I realized I want a little fun in my life because sometimes my life feels like a “Hurricane” and a stage five disaster but it’s not. It’s “A Beautiful Mess,” and it’s all mine and I love it. “Only Time Will Tell” where this crazy life takes me, but I will have fun, party like an “Animal” and keep some of my desires “Undisclosed Desires” until whoever is above sends out the signal to “End Transmission”

Listening to “Hurricane” by needtobreathe

Home

As I was driving home to see Brenda, Bud, Riley, & Taylor which is your home, I realized that it doesn’t feel like home. You’re not there to greet me. I don’t have the urge to rush over there on a Saturday & Sunday to take you to the store or just to sit and talk with you. It’s strange driving over to see them and Daddy without you there.

I know you’re gone but in my head, I just like to believe that you’re in Thailand visiting. I know you’re not coming back, but in my head I’d like to believe that you’re just on vacation somewhere.

I miss you the most when I’m at home with the rest of the family. When I’m at work or with friends, I have distractions, but when I’m with them, I see you. I hear you. I miss you.

Home is where the heart is and if you go too far from home, you might get lost, but sometimes home is a reminder that your life, my life, is never truly over or gone.

Circle Becomes a Square

Warning: this post is going to be a bit all over the place.

First, I’ll start with my last post A Beautiful Mess. I often post things here in my blog or on Twitter and then am amazed that people read, comment, etc on anything I write, say, or post. I guess, I write/tweet to vent or share a thought but don’t expect a response so it always amazes me when I log onto my site and see responses. That was tonight. The little bullet flashed, letting me know I had several comments waiting for me. I knew my friend Amy commented on the post because I sent her an email about it. She’s in my cheering section of friends and I’m in hers. Sisters from another mister we are. So I read through her comment, my response, and read the next one and it brought me to tears. It was a blast from the past and one I never expected to hear from again. Of course, I could be wrong in who I think it is as well since they signed it as anonymous, but I’d bet good money that I’m correct. With the tears came a flood of memories and while some look back on their past with regret, mistakes, and so on, I’ve learned to look back at my past with good times, good memories, and lessons learned.

So to the commenter (is that even a word because it just sounds weird), thank you. Thank you for the memories and for all that I learned from you. You were adored and loved by my mom and by me. I hope life has been great to you.

Second, this is what I originally wanted to post about.

Circle becomes a square moments...

I’m a hockey fan. I’ve been one since 2002, been vocal about it since 2009. I’ve turned my friend Kim, aka hockey BFF, into a fan. Though mainly she goes to look at the hot players, she does understand the game and does like it. My friend Krissie, had her circle becomes a square moment when she realized what GWG meant in a tweet I had posted on Friday. Game winning goal. It might not mean a lot to anyone else, but the fact they understand me as a friends and get what I’m talking about means a lot. All 3 of us are geeks. I’m a music lover, but Krissie is a music geek. She knows every random thing about every random song. I thought I was a music geek until I met her. Kim is a college football geek. Myself, hockey geek.

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon with one of the best people on the planet, Kathy and her granddaughter Zoey and Barry. I have only seen Kathy for less than 5 minutes since my mother passed away in December. While having our Dean & Deluca day, I had a circle becomes a square moment...and that was the urge to find my writing voice again. I lost it after I finished Barfly. I have missed writing and I realized how much I need to write. I know I needed to throw it aside and let go of the death grip I had on it. I realized I can have more than one passion in life. I realized I can love writing, music, wine, and hockey with equal passion and zest. Okay, so I do love writing more than the others. If I hadn’t taken the time to spend the day in the spring sun with everyone, I wouldn’t have found the writing spark that burns inside me. I put off writing to let myself get lost in other activities I enjoy and it’s okay to do that. I don’t have to beat myself up for it and I don’t have to apologize for it.

So to all my geeky friends, you know who you are, I love that you are geeks and that you allow me to be a geek. Our passions may be different, but the passion we have for life is the string that holds us together.

Listening to “The Oaf” by Big Wreck

What Workout?

So, changing for you, well that turned into, me still being a lazy slob. I can hear your voice and see the look you’re giving me right now. I know, I know, I know.

Just stop being lazy.

I don’t know why I’m so hard on myself Mama. I guess I expect perfection & extraordinary and when I don’t give myself that, I let my lazy bum like qualities shine.

I know I have to change for me and not for your or anyone else. I just wish it came in a pill and was easy.

So tomorrow, I’ll set my alarm 6 am and pray like hell I don’t hit the snooze button.

If I can sleep a solid 7 to 8 hours, I think I might actually be able to get up and do a work out.

Cross your fingers for me Mama.

Not Enough Today

Last night I missed you a lot Mama. I realized that nothing can ever replace what you were, still are, have and will always been to me.

I haven’t been writing like I should but I don’t feel motivated to write a “love story.” I don’t believe in love right now. I know that’s a bit harsh to say, but that’s what I feel. Maybe it’s because I see and hear how much Daddy loves you and how much he always will. It’s not fair that you were taken from him. You were the love of his life. His shining star. I know he’s holding on and being strong and moving on one day at a time, but it’s not fair. He should be holding you in his arms and calling you every night to tell you that he loves you.

I’m afraid I will never have what you and Daddy had and still have across heaven and this earth.

I know I should probably stop comparing any relationship I have or potentially have to what you & Daddy, but it was one that could inspire movies. It was a true life fairy tale. It was two people who loved and trusted each other.

That’s what I want too. I want that passion, that energy, that lust for life, living, & dreaming that you guys shared with each other and with me, Brenda, Bud, Riley, & Taylor.

I expect nothing less than greatness and maybe that’s too much to expect from a man, but I won’t settle for less because I know great men exist because I have seen them with my own eyes and know them.

Right now though, love just seems like glimmer in the night sky. Something that can be seen but not yet touched. I know you always said the right person is out there for me and I still believe you about that, but I don’t know if I could love someone right now. I have a hole where all 4 foot 11 of you stood in my heart and i don’t know if that could ever be filled.

It’s like I’d rather just be alone because if someone else that I love is taken from me like you were taken from me, I don’t know if I could survive again. I don’t think I’d have the strength to carry on again. But I can’t let those walls build up again and I feel them building up. I feel that darkness that I once stood in coming back. I fought hard Mama to tear down those walls once and to escape that darkness and I don’t want go back and I don’t want it to come back, but I don’t know what to do. My tears may drown me, the walls may fall on me, and the darkness may swallow me again and I am clinging on for dear life to the light, hope, and faith that I have inside me, but I fear it is not enough today.

A Beautiful Mess

I have written squat. Haven’t even thought about writing. Haven’t even had the urge to write. I have pretty much spent the first 14 days of March being a geek. A geek to hockey & a geek to music. I have avoided the one thing I always felt I needed in my life to survive and that was writing.

As I thumbed through the first pages of a magazine, I realized that I may never be a NY Times best selling author. I probably will never win the jackpot in a lottery (don’t judge, you know you dream the same dream), and then I realized why I didn’t want to write right now. Why was I letting the one thing that saved me over the years fall by the way side?

The answer...

I’m broken.

I’ve been broken since my mom died. I don’t care about doing much of anything anymore, unless those things are things that let me not think. What are those things I find solace in? My job, music, and hockey, but those things will not put the pieces back together. And to be honest, I’m not sure if I want the pieces put back together. Nothing can fill the void I feel in my life since my mom has been gone. Nothing can make our family seem as close as it did. The things I cared about before December 17th are not the same things I care about now. The things I wanted before December 17th are not the same things I want now.

My priorities have become fairly simple. Live, laugh, and love. As often as I can and as much as I can.

I might be broken, but I’m picking up the broken pieces and instead of trying to put them back together with superglue and hoping they’ll be just as strong, I’m tossing them into the trash. I just have to make sure that the sharp edges that were left behind don’t cut and hurt others.

Life knocked me off the shelf and sent me crashing to the floor, but as Ray Lamontange sings “just because you knock a man down, doesn’t mean you’ve got them beat.”

And I have lived each day since my mom died on December 17th, living, laughing, and loving as much as I could and I will continue to do so because at this moment in my life, saying goodbye to hear was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I’ve survived it.

I’m beaten up a little by life, and though I feel broken, I know I’m a beautiful mess.

Human Target

So I caught up on the TV show Human Target. You would really like it Mama. It has action, fight scenes, car chases, and funny characters. You would like the leading actor too. And you’d like the fact he just shoots a gun vs standing there and thinking about it.

As I watched it, I felt you sitting beside me enjoying it as well.