About a Boy

Riley,
Tonight, I texted you that I was thinking of you & that I loved you.
You texted me back that you loved me too and that you had a boyfriend.
My heart filled for you because young love is sweet and innocent, even at 11 years old.
My heart ached for you because you are growing up. I keep my favorite picture of you as a baby in my wallet. You’re wearing a GAP onesie that I bought you and your laugh is as big as the spark that shines in your eyes.
I want nothing more than everything you and your sister Taylor deserve. You two deserve a world of love, laughter, hope, and smiles. I hope I can give you some of that.
Love,
Shelia

Falling Whistles

This is a two part entry:

I’ve been in a bit of funk since I came back from Asheville. While in Asheville, I kind of had a spiritual cleansing of memories, of letting go of my Mom, but realizing she’s here by just looking up to the sky. Finally realizing I was going to be just fine without her came to me earlier this month. Letting go came to me last Thursday while driving towards & walking around Asheville. Friday, Saturday, & Sunday came the realization that letting go sucks giant donkey balls. Not because I let go but because the pain I had in my heart is gone and now there is an empty space. I instantly want to cram back all the pain so it’s not empty, but I know that is not good for me or healthy for me. I don’t like that empty space. It doesn’t feel very feng shui for my soul, yet I know that space will be filled by the right thing at the right time.

Today, as I diligently caught up on a week’s worth of work from my vacation last week, I kept reflecting to my oldest niece. We had a conversation between niece & aunt a few weeks back. It was basically me, telling her that she shouldn’t let what others say and do dash her hopes and dreams. I wanted to give her something to that she could hold onto and know that it made a difference. I’ve made her jewelry, bought her crosses, and other items, but I wanted it to also inspire her and then it hit me.

A whistle.

It could symbolize hope, and it could help if she’s ever lost in the dark, and most of all, when people ask, she’d have an amazing story to tell. A story that could help others.

I got the idea from my friend Krissie who wears this whistle around her neck and I always ask her about it. Remembering bits & pieces of the story but not the entire thing.

Today I remembered it all.

A whistle as a weapon held in the hands of children who aren’t strong enough or big enough to hold a gun. I went to the website Falling Whistles and new immediately this is what I could give my niece. Though it was designed as a weapon for their war, I wanted it to be her weapon of how people could change the world one thought, one prayer, one wish, one hope at a time. For her to remember that no matter how many cruel humans existed in the world, there were far more great humans in the world. The human spirit that lifts versus shoving you down. The human spirit that loves versus hates. The human spirit that helps versus ignore.  Yes, she may be only eleven, but there’s enough ugly out there for her to already be exposed to and for every bit of that ugly, I’m determined to show her the beauty of the world that is around her.

Listening to “Watch Over You” by Alter Bridge

Happy Birthday Dad

Happy Birthday to my Dad!

A man who’s spirit and soul have inspired, moved, and lifted me.

I love you Dad!

Happy Birthday Ricky

You’re not here Mama, but I know you’re in the sky shining down on your one true love, Daddy.

I know you’re telling him HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEY! I LOVE YOU!

Songs of My Life - June 2010

As I sit and reflect on June, I am glad to say I am honored it was a month that gave me moments of reflection, peace, and a little bit of pain. I celebrated my mom’s birthday with great friends listening to music and was able to celebrate with family the following day. I realized I was needed as a pillar of strength to my niece and I discovered that my dad is going to be just fine. A reconnection with an old friend proved she’s still a fighter as she battles cancer again. A solo road trip lead to the epiphany that my real life began at that moment. And two days from now, my dad celebrates his 58th birthday.

“Calendar & Clocks” by Gareth Asher

I’ve loved Gareth’s voice ever since I heard him in Illbreak. There’s just something very old, wise, and soulful about his voice. His new CD has a ton of great songs but this song is on an EP and is a gem. Lyrically beautiful and musically stunning. I just love the lyrics “If it’s the wrong way baby. Maybe, it’s the right time. If you can hear me lady, lover you’d be mine.”

“Ricochet” by Shiny Toy Guns

This is a song that got stuck in my head nightly for weeks. I’d find myself singing as I stared at the ceiling trying to sleep. I’ve always liked this song. I like the way that Chad & Sisely’s voice compliment each other. And seriously, they use the word mesocyclone in the lyrics!

“Elastic Love” by Christina Aguilera

I’ve always that Christina or Xtina could sing. I’m not a music snob and will admit talent. So I gave her new CD a listen and was well pleased. This is by far my favorite track and I like it because it’s fun. Lyrically, musically, & vocally it’s a fun song.

“Nothing” by Miggs

I’ve seen Miggs live several times & it’s always great. I was able to catch the band live in early June and found myself singing the lyrics “Just for the record the weather today is pretty damn cloudy with a little burst of pain,” for two days before the show. I just like the way those words paint a picture in my head. The lyrics also described a day where everything seemed to fail me but you just knock the dust off your boots or in my case flip flops and keep on trucking.

“August Summer Dress” by Matthew Ryan

I adore Matthew Ryan. His voice has a hold on me and I am listening intently to it, his lyrics, his music. This song popped into the iTunes shuffle and as I listened to it, this movie played out in my head. His music has a way of coming to life through speakers if you listen.

“Six Feet Above” by Evan Watson & The Headless Horsemen

My friend Krissie does a mix of songs for every season and this is from her Summer Mix. I finally had the chance to listen to this mix on my way to Asheville on June 24th and it ended up being the soundtrack of the day. There were a lot of good songs but 2 stood out and this one was one of them. I really dig Evan’s voice and looking at a picture of him his face doesn’t match his voice but I really like the way his haunts the song. The song also rung a bell with me with the title & the lyric “I guess it’s bad just to set you free.” And the moment I heard that line, I looked up at the blue skies and knew that my mom was smiling down on me. She might have left this world but I only have to look up to see her.

“Waiting for My Real Life to Begin” by Colin Hay

The 2nd song that is from Krissie’s mix. This song brought tears to my eyes as I listened to it. It was another epiphany song and I felt like it was my mom singing to me..."Be still, my love. Open up your heart. Let the light shine in.”

As Krissie said in her song notes “Live your life. Every day. Your life is happening now...”

Read more…

6 Months

Here’s a letter from Daddy to you...

WELL ITS BEEN 6 MONTHS SINCE YOU'VE LEFT. ITS 12:55 PM AND IT SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN ONLY 6 MINUTES SINCE I LAST HELD YOU. I LOOKED AT THE CLOCK WHEN YOU PASSED AND IT WAS 12:55 DEC.17,2009. I HOPE THAT WILL BE A DATE I NEVER FORGET AS WAS THE DAY WE MET. I MOVED YOUR YELLOW ROSE OUT OF THE ROCKS AND CHICKEN WIRE IT HAD GROWN UP THRU AND PUT IT IN THE CORNER OF THE FENCE NEAR THE FRONT PORCH. I HOPE IT SURVIVES. THE DOGS STILL CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON. THEY HAVE TO STAY OUTSIDE NOW BECAUSE OF THE BABY AT THE HOUSE. WE LET THEM IN EVERY NOW AND THEN. NICK NICK AND LUCY LU STILL LOOK AROUND FOR YOU. LUCY LU SEEMS SO SAD NOW. SHE JUST'S LAYS AROUND. AS FOR ME I REALLY MISS YOU. THEY SAY IT GETS BETTER OVER TIME,THAT'S A BUNCH OF CRAP! YOU KNOW I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT LIFE WAS LIKE BEFORE I MET YOU. I CAN REMEMBER MY OLD GIRL FRIEND BUT SHE HAS PASSED AWAY TO. BUT AS FAR AS HAPPY TIMES, I DON'T KNOW. BRENDA GAVE ME A GREAT FATHERS DAY PRESENT. IT WAS A BRICK IN THE HALL OF FAME AT NASCAR IN CHARLOTTE. IT SAYS RICHARD TAYLOR, WE LOVE YOU. I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHELIA GAVE ME. WELL SHE GAVE ME A ENVELOPE BUT SAID I COULDN'T OPEN IT UNTIL SUNDAY. WELL ENOUGH OF ME BABBLING ON. HONEY I MISS YOU AND WISH I COULD BE WITH YOU. YOU GO JUST OUT PAST THE MOON AND WAIT FOR ME. I'LL BE COMING THAT WAY SOONER OR LATER. YOU KNOW ME "I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE". LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU ALWAYS!

Click HERE to email Richard Taylor or visit his site www.snuffytaylor.com

The Weather Today

“Just for the record the weather today is pretty damn cloudy with a little burst of pain.” - “Nothing” by Miggs

I’m positive person or at least I try to be that way 99% of the day.

Today, started out positive. I was finally going to get my hair cut & colored by the wonderful & talented Melissa @ Paragon Salon. She did not disappoint. She never does. I left there feeling like a millions bucks and a rockstar!

Around lunch, I get an email from my dad. I didn’t understand his last line “been 6 months but feels like 6 minutes.” Then I read his 2nd email. Today is the 6 month mark of my mom leaving this earth for the heavens. He wrote her a letter to my mom and asked me to post it for him. (You can read it at Letters to Lek). After that, I thought about a friend and co-worker who lost her mother months before I lost mine and how she’s struggling with it. Her spirit is broken and no one can fix it but her. We’re all different in dealing with death. I drank for 2 weeks straight, blacked out nightly, and pretended I was okay. After the two weeks, I stood up from the drunken stooper I put myself in, took a deep breath, and tried to live each day without my mom. Today is easier than it was 6 months ago. Today, I can say I have let go, not of hope, but of the anger, the sadness, and the pain.

While sitting on my patio watching the sun set, I get a text from a friend. A dear old friend. Liz and I have had a friendship of laughter, music, and fun that was brought together by coffee. She battled uterine cancer once and today, she told me it had returned and decided to spread its ugliness in her lungs and on her aorta. Now this mother of 3 and wife prepares to head into battle again fighting for her life and for her family. Her spitfire attitude will carry her far and when she crosses the finish line, she will have kicked cancer in the balls again. She’ll smile & flip it the bird. It’s the way she is. She’s a fighter.

So right now, the 1% of negativity I fight every day feels like 99% negativity and just like the song lyric above, it looks pretty damn cloudy with a big burst of pain.

All i want to do is crawl underneath the blankets, curl up in the fetal position, and tell the world to go away. What I will do, is post this entry, dry my tears, take a deep breathe, and continue to live, be positive, and send universal healing vibes out into the world. Every positive thought is 1000 times more powerful than 1 negative thought and to fight the battles that life throws at you, you have to be positive that in the end, you will have fought the hardest and will win.

Thinking of You

Here’s a letter from Daddy to you...

Hey Honey,
Was sitting here thinking about you,which is every minute. Most of my family and my friends think I'm a cold hearted bastard for not showing any emotions. It's true I don't show them but I do when I'm by myself. I just don't let them see it. It all caught up with me. I've taking lives in the name of war .I've had 2 grandparents pass away...aunts, nephews, best friends, and my oldest brother and now you. But last week while returning from a trip to California I was driving along late in the evening when a little yellow kitten ran out in the road. I tried to miss it but to no avail. I stopped and walk back to the kitten and it was crushed real bad. Only it's little back leg was moving. I carefully picked it up and walked back to my truck and the whole time its little back leg was twitching. I laid it on the ground and the only thing I could find was a stick and a can so I could dig a hole. As I was digging the hole I was slobber-slotting like a little kid. I heard someone come up behind me and I looked and it was a state trooper. He saw what I was doing and turned around and left. I went back to digging, the trooper came back up behind me and I turned and he handed me a small shovel. I finished the hole and put the kitten in it and covered him up. I drove the stick into the ground and put the can on top. I got up,with slobber and snot and tears running down my cheek and gave the trooper back his shovel. He also had tears running down his cheek. He took his shovel went back to his car and left. There never was a word spoken the whole time. I got back in my truck and just cried for 30 minutes. As I looked at your picture I felt as you were saying to me, its ok. I LOVE YOU and it won't be long before we see each other again. I'm going to bed now and try to sleep but I think of you as I sleep.

WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT

Riley,
No one can make you feel inferior with your consent.
Today, you shared your feelings with me about someone that you hated & I understood because that person is a jerk. That person likes to belittle and knock people down because they feel so inferior but they cannot make you feel inferior without your consent.
You cannot let the negative people take you down. You cannot let the negative people control your life because your positivity is what makes you beautiful and strong.
Maw Maw would have told you that the person you hated was a jackass and I know I did.
Remember Stinker, you are beautiful and you are strong. You are more than that jerk will ever see because you are far more superior than that person will ever be.
Look in the mirror and see the person looking back at you is a person destined for greatness.
Love,
Shelia

Happy Birthday Lek

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA! I LOVE YOU!

Here’s a letter from Daddy to you...

IT'S THE EVE OF YOUR BIRTHDAY. YOU'LL BE 62 TOMORROW. YOU KNOW I AM SLOWLY LOSING MY MEMORY. I TRIED TO THINK OF WHAT I HAD FOR BREAKFAST YESTERDAY AND IN FACT I DON'T REMEMBER IF I ATE BREAKFAST YESTERDAY. BUT I CAN REMEMBER THE DAY WE MET. IT WAS FEB 14th 1974 WHEN I SAW YOU AT SAMS PLACE IN UDORN,THAILAND. I CAN'T REMEMBER THE TIME BECAUSE WHEN I SAW YOU ALL TIME STOPPED. I REMEMBER YOU HAD ON A WHITE COTTON SKIRT WITH YELLOW AND PINK FLOWERS ON IT AND YOU HAD ON A PINK TOP WITH LACE AROUND THE SELVES AND NECK LINE. AND THOSE SHOES! YOU WERE ONLY 4 FOOT 8 INCHES TALL AND WEIGHED ONLY 78 LBS BUT WITH THOSE 4 INCH PLATFORM SHOES ON YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL. WHEN I SAW YOU I KNEW THEN THAT I WOULD SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH YOU. YOU COULDN'T SPEAK OR UNDERSTAND A WORD OF ENGLISH BUT YOU KNEW WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY. I LOVE THE WAY YOU SAID "YEA RIGHT" OR "WHAT EVER". WHEN I'D ASK YOU WHY YOU MARRIED ME YOU'D SAY "I DON'T KNOW" IN THAT BROKEN ENGLISH YOU SPOKE. IN THE 36 YEARS WE WERE TOGETHER WE "NEVER" HAD A FIGHT. I LEARNED IN THE FIRST DAYS OF MARRIAGE 3 LITTLE WORDS THAT KEPT US TOGETHER AND THAT WAS "YOU'RE RIGHT HONEY". I MOST REMEMBER YOUR SMILE. IT DIDN'T MATTER HOW YOU FELT OR HOW BAD A DAY WAS GOING YOU WOULD ALWAYS HAVE THAT SMILE. WHEN YOU WERE IN THE HOSPITAL AND THEY SAID YOU WOULD NEVER WAKE UP, YOU DID. FOR JUST A FEW HOURS. I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER THE LAST WORDS YOU SPOKE TO ME,"I LOVE YOU TOO" AND THEN YOU WENT BACK INTO A COMA. THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE WAS LAYING BESIDE YOU IN THE HOSPITAL BED HOLDING YOUR LEFT HAND IN MY LEFT HAND AND SAYING, IT'S OK YOU CAN GO NOW,YOUR MOMMA AND DADDY ARE WAITING FOR YOU. WITH THOSE WORDS YOU TOOK YOUR LAST BREATH AND PART OF MY SOUL WITH YOU. WHAT WILL I REMEMBER TOMORROW? I DON'T KNOW BUT YOU CAN BE SURE I'LL NEVER FORGET THE BRIEF TIME I HAD YOU ON THIS EARTH. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE IN MY MEMORIES AND I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER. I'LL SEE YOU SOON FOR YOU KNOW A DAY IN HEAVEN IS YEARS HERE ON EARTH. HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEY, I LOVE YOU!