A New Beginning

Nothing like a crash & burn to start a new beginning...

Last night, my computer crashed or just died when the battery kicked the bucket.  With that death, it took 3 years worth of blogs.  THREE YEARS!  I tried to salvage it but in the middle of searching the Apple website on why iWeb crashed, I decided to let go.

Breathe in...breathe out...move on.

I’ve been doing a lot of that in the last 9 months.  I’ve also been doing a lot of letting go.

When the blog section crashed, there was so much I wanted to save.  The entry I wrote when my mom went into the hospital.  The one I wrote about her death.  The one I wrote about facing the fact that she wasn’t coming back and coming to terms with her death.  There was blog I wrote to my oldest niece on being strong and a leader and the one I wrote to my father.  There was the infamous DC-Dim Widdy Virginia Road Trip that the crew so fondly called The Adventures of the Blower’s Daughter.  I wanted to save them all.  They were my memories I wanted to leave for the future.

Consider this a LIFE LESSONED LEARNED.  Back up everything and back up your back ups.  So instead of just plugging away on a blog, I will now back this up in my journal.  Safe than sorry right?  I should have realized that when I broke my last external hard drive.  I lost everything.  But I also learned to let go of that, “FUCK, WHAT HAVE I DONE!!!” feeling.

So this new beginning...this new blogging...this new life...it all starts today.  It did start today.  It started with this blog entry.  It started with me giving running a try.  I did horribly.  I walked most of my “run,” but instead of feeling all whoa-is-me, I’m happy.  I might not have ran but I got off my ass and exercised.

So here’s to new beginnings, letting go of the past, and looking towards the future with a smile!

Listening to “Picture to Burn” by Taylor Swift

(Very apropos considering...)

Closer to the Edge

I believe Ville Valo of H.I.M. said it best, “Music is God, my best friend.” There are songs that inspire me, console me, move me, and make me feel loved. There are the songs that brighten my day and there are songs that take me to a certain time or memory.

“Closer to the Edge” by 30 Seconds to Mars was an instant favorite for me when I heard it on their album THIS IS WAR. The lyrics touched me and the music spoke to me.

When I got the phone call in December 2009 to come to the hospital because my mom was going under the knife for a brain aneurism and the outcome didn’t look good, I got in my car and drove as fast as I could to the hospital. “Closer to the Edge” was playing as I slammed the car into park, took a deep breath to gain composure for my dad and sister, and said a prayer to whoever was listening to me. When I got back in the car that night, tired, scared, and feeling lost, the song was still on. I started the song over and listened. I listened to the music, they lyrics, and the passion that was in the song. I pressed repeat on the CD player in my car and told myself that I would listen to the song until my mom got out of the hospital. For nearly a week, this song was a constant reminder of everything my mom was for me and everything that I learned from her. I hear it now and it sometimes makes me cry. Sometimes it makes me smile. It will always remind me to live. It reminds me, as the lyrics go, to continue forward so “I’ll never regret. I’ll never forget. I’ll live my life closer to the edge.”

So today, 8 months and 1 day after her death, I dedicate this song to the memory of mom, who I miss more than words can explain. I cry because I miss her. I cry today because of all the would haves and should haves she should be here for and for all things she will miss. I cry because I love her and I really I just want to hear her say “Goodnight baby” to me one more time. There is a hole that will never be filled by her loss, but I know one day I’ll see her again. I know one day, her death will make sense to me and my family. Until then, all I have is music that gets me through the day.

Like the girl at the end of the video says, “some people pray, I turn up the radio.”

This is me turning up the radio right now.

Heading to the Magic of Key West

Tomorrow, I will be in Key West.

Everyone has always asked me, why do you love Key West so much.

One word: magical

Yes there is the insanity of Key West. The ins, the outs, the drags, the nudity, the drunkenness, the party, the fun, the social unacceptable, the everything you never thought you would see, but there’s so much more...

Underneath the weirdness, the whatever attitude, there is a crackling energy that is Key West. There’s the beauty of the island. There’s the openness of the island. The smell of the sea air and the way that the salt air just clings to you. There’s the natives who have all been visitors once and moved to stay there. There are the tourists who are there for sun, fun, and whatever and then there are tourists like myself who are there for the sun, fun, & whatever but who are also there for a little magic.

I need this trip. I need to feel a little magic...okay, a lot of magic. I need to let go. I need leave everything here behind and put my toes in the sand, let the sun kiss my skin and dry my tears, and I need to find myself. I need to put all my wishes, prayers, and universal positive energy into a bottle, seal it tight, and toss it into the ocean. I need to let Mother Ocean hear my call.

Key West is the place I can do this. When Jimmy Buffett sang “I have found me a home,” I felt it the moment I landed in Key West the first time. I feel it every time I land in Key West. The only other place I have ever felt the same kind of magic is New Orleans.

My soul is at peace and my heart is happy in Key West. My spirit is refreshed.

If you’ve never been, I recommend going and if you can make your first trip by yourself, I recommend that. That was how I discovered Key West. Walking around the island, bicycling around the island, and exploring the island by myself. Taking in all of the Key West, the natives, the tourists, the life, the beauty, the soul, and the spirit by yourself. Visit Hemingway house, visit Mallory Square at sunset and take in the carnival aspect of it, go to the legendary Captain Tony’s and have a drink, and walk around Duval Street and watch all the insanity. This is Key West. This is part of the magic of Key West.

Reflection of the Word Negative

Something’s been kind of bugging me...

So a few weeks ago, I was told I was in a round about way, I was a negative person & was bringing a negative energy. That hurt. That pissed me off. I pride myself on being a positive person. I’m positive person. In the situation where I was told I was being negative, I will openly admit that I’m a hardball and have a strict way of doing things because it’s got to be organized and it’s got to be on point. No detail can be over looked and no “t” or “i” cannot be crossed or dotted. I ask the tough questions. I ask the what if’s. I stand up for the product. I stand by for what I believe in. I don’t give in and I don’t give up. If I’m wrong, I will admit it. If another idea is better, I’ll say so. I help when I can, but there’s also a point where you realize the person you are trying to help has skirted through life without having to bust their ass and I stop trying. If you think you just deserve something because of your looks, then I’m not going to bust my ass to help you.

If that is the definition of negative, then I guess by that definition, I’m negative.

I was taught from a young age to work hard, believe in yourself, believe in your dreams, to be honest to yourselves and others and to never lie.

I have held a job since I was 16. I worked through high school. When I realized I couldn’t afford to go to college and didn’t qualify for any scholarships, I didn’t ask my parents to take on another job or two. I didn’t know what I wanted to be or what I wanted to study, so why would I ask them to pay for that? Instead of just sitting on the couch after high school, I got a job where my dad worked and worked 80 hours a week with him. I had Saturday nights off and Sundays. I worked on a line building oil pumps for big rig trucks. I could build 300 plus oil pumps a day. I took pride in it. Even then, there was a strict way I did things. I busted ass, kept my head low, and kept to myself.

After that job, I moved into retail. I got a job at selling shoes at a shoe store. Did I love my job? No. It was a thankless job but I had some great co-workers. We would turn on the lite rock station because it was the least offensive to our customers and in the slow times, sing-a-long and organize the shelves and shelves of shoes. I started as part-timer there and then moved into an assistant manager position.

When I left the job selling shoes, I moved into another retail position. I left a full time job to start part-time at Victoria’s Secret. I started at the bottom and worked my way to a key holder. During an employee review, I asked my boss why she hired me? Her answer was because you’re spunky, your honest, and I radiated a positiveness. When this manager left, a dark energy filled the store. I left some time after she did. I worked odd jobs in various retail areas and then I received a phone call from one my former VS manager. She had left to go work for Levi’s O-Spin store, she took me with her and together we opened a store together. During my time at Levi’s, a co-worker, said to me that I should not be so honest. I told her that I wasn’t raised that way. I spoke what came to my mind and if it offended her, then she could tell me and explain how she felt and I would listen as she spoke. We both walked away realizing that we had been raised the same way. She just didn’t where her emotions and her heart on her sleeve. Soon after the Levi’s O-Spin store closed and the manager that had taken me on this amazing journey asked me if I would join her for our 3rd journey. Of course I would. I joined her at Bath and Body Works. I loved my job here. Yes, the scents often gave me a headache, but the energy in the store with the people we worked with were magical. We without a doubt had the best times you could have in retail. Then while I was on vacation, they let most of the staff go. I returned to a store that was once happy and fun to a store that was cold and lifeless. I lasted about two-three weeks before I turned my resignation in. It was too drab, too negative.

After that, I again started over again. From the bottom and back to full time. I found a career and it was in something I loved. I’ve been there ever since.

Again, busted ass.

I have a problem with people who use their looks, their sex, their lack of brains, their lack of talent, their attitude of you/the world owe me and except that life is easy breezy just because you’re pretty, you’re a chick, you’re not as smart but someone feels sorry for you so they let you slide by and so on.

Life is not easy. Life is not all magical.

But having said that, because I busted my ass, I don’t take anything for granted. Everything I own, everything I have, every person in my life that means something to me, I have busted my ass for.

So instead of walking away from the you’re negative and bringing a negative energy, I found a spark inside me. It said to me, you work hard, you bust your ass, keep it up because you’re just fine. I can’t change the way people perceive me. I can only change the way I perceive myself.

I perceive myself as a dreamer, a believer, and someone who believes in positive of the universe. I don’t let a day go by without thanking the universe for the wonderful day it has give me and I don’t take the small stuff for granted. For every amount of positive energy you send me or give me, then I return it to you. For every amount of negative energy and hate you send my way, I may grow a bit weaker for a moment, but I’m stronger in the end because I didn’t let you effect me.

Clash of the Titans

Mama,
You would so love the remake of Clash of the Titans. Just as much as you & I loved the original. It made me cry thinking of you. I could just hear you shouting at the tv to fight or look behind you. It made me miss you. I could have used your words, your wisdom a few weeks ago. I just needed you to say to me “things would be all right and I love you.”
I love you Mama. Tomorrow, I’m going to Key West, and I will sit on Mallory Square and watch the sunset and think of you. I know you are in my heart and sitting next to me and watching over me.
Love,
Shelia

Songs of My Life - July 2010

July...whew...this month kicked my ass...it kicked my ass physically, mentally, & spiritually. I am glad to see you come to an end.

“Sell My Soul” by Our Lady Peace

Hearing that song at the beginning of the month, I just realized lyrically what a great song it was. Hearing it now at the end of the month, it sometimes feel like I have sold my soul.

“Am I Still On” by 1969

Again, a song that meant something different from the 1st of July than at the end of July. This month seemed like just rolling through the motions without being on.

“Wildflowers” by Jimmy Buffett (Tom Petty cover)

Because I do as the song says, “You belong among the wildflowers. You belong in a boat out at sea. Sail away, kill off the hours. You belong somewhere you feel free.”

“According to You” by Orianthi

I heard this song in my car & I just thought it was a fun pop song.

“Lovely Day” by Donavon Frankenreiter

I just like Donavon. He puts me in that relaxed, island state of mind, like Jimmy Buffett does. This song was one of those that reminded me of the mantra “today is going to be the best day of my life.”

“Latitude” by Evan Watson

Discovered this singer from my friend Krissie. Again, it’s just a reminder that sometimes, no matter how bad the day is, a little change in latitude can change your attitude.

“Next Life” by Crash Karma

1st of 4 songs from this band that made the July playlist. Vocally, I love this band. I just dig Edwin’s voice and have been a fan of his since I Mother Earth. This song is that dream we all have...in my next life, I wish for this, I want that, etc.

“Live a Little” by Crash Karma

2nd of 4 songs. Check them out @ Crash Karma - this lyric says it all “Life doesn’t always go to plan. I’m doing the best I can. So live a little.”

“Energy” by Crash Karma

3rd of 4 songs. When I first listened to this song lyrically, I thought of my oldest niece. This is a song I would print the lyrics out to and give her as a reminder that her life is in the palm of her hands. Just “let the light within you shine.” It also became a song I played when I felt the light within me fading.

“Fight” by Crash Karma

Last of the 4 songs by this band. Again, lyrically, song reached me to fight for something that I wanted, something that made me feel.

“Boston” by Augustana

I’ve seen this band play several times and I just adore them. This song just reminds me that I often hide myself behind a facade and that if I keep people away from the real me, that I am exactly as the lyrics say “you don’t know me and you don’t even care.” This song reminds me to let people in.

“Dust” by Augustana

I just love this song. And the lyric “I believe in the lord, but he don’t show up anymore” is something I feel. I’ve lost faith not in people but a higher being, God, Buddha, whatever since my mom past away. I’ve always had faith in something bigger than what we are, and I hope to find that again someday.

“Where the Boat Leaves From” by Zac Brown Band

I first heard this song on Jimmy Buffett’s Concert for the Gulf Coast. Jimmy is the one drug that makes my soul feel free. This song made me ache for the ocean and made me like this band. “So get away to where the boat leaves from. It takes away all of your big problems. You got worries you can drop them in the blue ocean, but you gotta get away to where the boat leaves from.”

“Bad Romance” by 30 Seconds to Mars (Lady Gaga cover)

There’s probably a 100 covers of this song, and this version, gave me cold chills. It walk the fine line of stalker vs being in love. A little sexy, a little dangerous, a little dirty, a little too much of good thing and way too much of a bad thing.