I have had this idea in my head for a novel for about 13-14 years now. It is the novel I must write to exorcise whatever is making me obsess about it.
I'll hear songs and see characters in scenes because of it. Things I see, make me think of the characters, the story, the plot.
It has seen many pages written and trashed...the word count alone on what has been discarded could be a novel or two by themselves.
Yet...I cannot bring myself to finish it.
It's forever changing and when I flesh out whatever problems I have had with the previous version, I find another problem. The idea is far from it's original inspiration of a nightmare I had and it has seen many elements being added and removed.
I've tried giving up on the writing project all together, but it sits in the corner, mocking me...taunting me. I know I have to finish it and I can't find the answers on why I cannot finish it.
Knowing I must is just not enough and that bothers me.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Songs of My Life: September 2012
Chrome by Matthew Ryan
This song is one of my favorites by Matthew. He is a prolific songwriter and his lyrics are absolutely beautiful, heart wrenching, emotional, and connecting.
I love the lyrics: "It's not the sleep that I can't steal, that wires me. It's not the coffee or the pills it's not this space that I can't fill that kills me. Well in case you didn't know I've got heart made of chrome. It's been bent 'til it was twisted...it's been burned but it's will to try and shine..."
Beyond Redemption by H.I.M
After I saw the video for "Join Me in Death" by H.I.M, I bought everything the band had available and this is one of my favorite songs by the band. I really love the lyrics to this song.
Sleeps with Butterflies by Tori Amos
I like the painting Tori paints with the words to this song.
Run by Flo Rida featuring Redfoo
This might be my favorite song from Flo's new CD. It's got a great beat and I really like Redfoo's rap in it.
Just Like a Pill by P!nk
This song made me like P!nk back in the day. I really love the lyrics, "I can't stay on your life support, there's a shortage in the switch, I can't stay on your morphine, 'cuz it's making me itch...I'll think I'll get outta here, where I can run just as fast as I can. To the middle of nowhere, to the middle of my frustrated fears..."
Give Me Everything by Pitbull
I have a pop guilty pleasure and it's Pitbull. That is all.
Wonder by Emeili Sande with Naughty Boy
I never heard of Emeili until Wednesday, when my record rep handed me the CD. On Thursday, I as I sat in 5 o' clock traffic, this song came on and I was really moved by it's positivity. Watch it below.
This song is one of my favorites by Matthew. He is a prolific songwriter and his lyrics are absolutely beautiful, heart wrenching, emotional, and connecting.
I love the lyrics: "It's not the sleep that I can't steal, that wires me. It's not the coffee or the pills it's not this space that I can't fill that kills me. Well in case you didn't know I've got heart made of chrome. It's been bent 'til it was twisted...it's been burned but it's will to try and shine..."
Beyond Redemption by H.I.M
After I saw the video for "Join Me in Death" by H.I.M, I bought everything the band had available and this is one of my favorite songs by the band. I really love the lyrics to this song.
Sleeps with Butterflies by Tori Amos
I like the painting Tori paints with the words to this song.
Run by Flo Rida featuring Redfoo
This might be my favorite song from Flo's new CD. It's got a great beat and I really like Redfoo's rap in it.
Just Like a Pill by P!nk
This song made me like P!nk back in the day. I really love the lyrics, "I can't stay on your life support, there's a shortage in the switch, I can't stay on your morphine, 'cuz it's making me itch...I'll think I'll get outta here, where I can run just as fast as I can. To the middle of nowhere, to the middle of my frustrated fears..."
Give Me Everything by Pitbull
I have a pop guilty pleasure and it's Pitbull. That is all.
Wonder by Emeili Sande with Naughty Boy
I never heard of Emeili until Wednesday, when my record rep handed me the CD. On Thursday, I as I sat in 5 o' clock traffic, this song came on and I was really moved by it's positivity. Watch it below.
Beast Mode Recap: Week 7
This week was better than Week 6 which I took off, but not by that much. I worked out 3 days, but I'm finally getting back into the swing of working out.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Beast Mode Recap: Week 6
This week, I didn't do anything.
I didn't track my diet nor did I work out. I took the week off because I was so busy with work related events.
I missed working out every day. I felt my body revolting against not watching what I ate and not working out. My body really did sort of shut down. Lack of sleep for two weeks and a go-go-go schedule didn't help.
I'm so looking forward to working out and eating healthy tomorrow.
I can't wait to get back on track and back to a sleep schedule that has me waking up refreshed versus just plain tired.
I didn't track my diet nor did I work out. I took the week off because I was so busy with work related events.
I missed working out every day. I felt my body revolting against not watching what I ate and not working out. My body really did sort of shut down. Lack of sleep for two weeks and a go-go-go schedule didn't help.
I'm so looking forward to working out and eating healthy tomorrow.
I can't wait to get back on track and back to a sleep schedule that has me waking up refreshed versus just plain tired.
Friday, September 21, 2012
From Somewhere in The Skies
There's something to be said about traveling.
Right now, it's 12:18 pm and I'm somewhere over the US on my way to Vegas.
Below me is the green of the Earth and right outside my window is the blue if the skies. This of course has no comparison to being in space with the stars but I imagine that the feeling I am feeling is what drives astronauts.
I want to travel a lot more. There are so many cracks and crevices and tiny streets I have yet to explore...have yet to hear their stories.
That's the best part of traveling...the stories from locals, from strangers, from the location of where you are, and from the experiences you have.
So I want the Universe to align with me and hope I hit the sweet spot and win some money to travel more...to dream more...there's a big world out there and I want to see it all!
Right now, it's 12:18 pm and I'm somewhere over the US on my way to Vegas.
Below me is the green of the Earth and right outside my window is the blue if the skies. This of course has no comparison to being in space with the stars but I imagine that the feeling I am feeling is what drives astronauts.
I want to travel a lot more. There are so many cracks and crevices and tiny streets I have yet to explore...have yet to hear their stories.
That's the best part of traveling...the stories from locals, from strangers, from the location of where you are, and from the experiences you have.
So I want the Universe to align with me and hope I hit the sweet spot and win some money to travel more...to dream more...there's a big world out there and I want to see it all!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Let's Talk Hockey
or lack thereof...
If you aren't a sport fan, you probably don't even know when the hockey season starts. Hell, if you are a sport fan, there's even a chance you don't know.
If you're a hockey fan, then YOU KNOW October means hockey season.
The NHL season will not start in October. It may not start at all. Two sides (players vs owners) can't play nice in the sandbox and share what both are owed.
Blah...blah...blah...
I get it, players want their cut and owners want their cut, but sometimes ego and greed need to be set aside and just do what's right for the sport, the fans, and more importantly, the lives of the men and women whose job is to come to the arena day in and day out. The game would be nothing without them. (Honestly, do you think Crosby, Ovechkin, the Sedins, & Lundqvist would be out there setting up boards, nets, driving the zambonis?) THAT support staff cannot make up any money lost. They are essentially out of work for an indefinite amount of time or have lost their jobs all together.
As a hockey fan, that pisses me off more than anything.
In my opinion, the players and team owners who cited fans and games were important are just talking out their asses. Either side could have been heroes to their fans and more importantly the support staff but money makes the world go round and true colors were revealed.
For a sport I care passionately about, that leaves me with a very strong disdain for the sport all together.
To the NHL players and owners...from my disgruntled-we-care-for-you-hockey-fans-feelings...you guys can take your egos and money and shove it up your ass.
To the AHL, ECHL, and beer league games...thank you, at least, I won't be completely hockey-less this season.
If you aren't a sport fan, you probably don't even know when the hockey season starts. Hell, if you are a sport fan, there's even a chance you don't know.
If you're a hockey fan, then YOU KNOW October means hockey season.
The NHL season will not start in October. It may not start at all. Two sides (players vs owners) can't play nice in the sandbox and share what both are owed.
Blah...blah...blah...
I get it, players want their cut and owners want their cut, but sometimes ego and greed need to be set aside and just do what's right for the sport, the fans, and more importantly, the lives of the men and women whose job is to come to the arena day in and day out. The game would be nothing without them. (Honestly, do you think Crosby, Ovechkin, the Sedins, & Lundqvist would be out there setting up boards, nets, driving the zambonis?) THAT support staff cannot make up any money lost. They are essentially out of work for an indefinite amount of time or have lost their jobs all together.
As a hockey fan, that pisses me off more than anything.
In my opinion, the players and team owners who cited fans and games were important are just talking out their asses. Either side could have been heroes to their fans and more importantly the support staff but money makes the world go round and true colors were revealed.
For a sport I care passionately about, that leaves me with a very strong disdain for the sport all together.
To the NHL players and owners...from my disgruntled-we-care-for-you-hockey-fans-feelings...you guys can take your egos and money and shove it up your ass.
To the AHL, ECHL, and beer league games...thank you, at least, I won't be completely hockey-less this season.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Beast Mode: Week 5 Recap
Beast Mode...last week didn't feel like beast mode even though I hit all my cardio & strength targets. I felt fatter than usual and was harder on myself than usual.
When I weighed in a week ago, I was at 146.5lbs and my target weight is 130-125. This week was the first week I looked in the mirror and noticed changes in myself.
I've been on Beast Mode for 5 weeks but I've been doing cardio for 10 weeks now. My shins hurt, my knees hurt, my entire body hurts. It all is a good hurt of course. The kind of hurt that when you move you're reminded why you're doing what you're doing.
Week 5 was a crazy, super busy week with work and there is something to it when people say listen to your body...my body was a giant middle finger to me...fuck you, no, I'm resting.
Day 1:
Cardio:
68 minutes walk/run 4.5 miles
Strength:
3x21's curles
3x21's triceps
3x21 chest flies
3x15 back
abs
Day 2:
Cardio:
30 minutes walk/run
Strength:
3x10 push ups
3x10 kick backs
3x10 shoulder press
Day 3-6: nothing
Day 7: running around my event like a mad woman.
When I weighed in a week ago, I was at 146.5lbs and my target weight is 130-125. This week was the first week I looked in the mirror and noticed changes in myself.
I've been on Beast Mode for 5 weeks but I've been doing cardio for 10 weeks now. My shins hurt, my knees hurt, my entire body hurts. It all is a good hurt of course. The kind of hurt that when you move you're reminded why you're doing what you're doing.
Week 5 was a crazy, super busy week with work and there is something to it when people say listen to your body...my body was a giant middle finger to me...fuck you, no, I'm resting.
Day 1:
Cardio:
68 minutes walk/run 4.5 miles
Strength:
3x21's curles
3x21's triceps
3x21 chest flies
3x15 back
abs
Day 2:
Cardio:
30 minutes walk/run
Strength:
3x10 push ups
3x10 kick backs
3x10 shoulder press
Day 3-6: nothing
Day 7: running around my event like a mad woman.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Just Me
10 weeks ago, if you had said to me that I would be looking at a calendar filled with 10 weeks of stars for working out and that I would have been doing 10 weeks of cardio, 4-5 days and sometimes even 6 days a week, I would have laughed hysterically in your face.
Seriously. LAUGHED.
IN. YOUR. FACE.
On Twitter, I follow, Amelia Burton, and she tweeted a link to her interview with Dr. Dain Heer. Because I am often on Amelia's site for health and fitness motivation, I clicked on the link and started to listen to the interview, but it was a crazy ass day, so I only listened to half of the interview, but something in that short time stuck with me that Dain said to Amelia and that was to not make a goal but to set an aim/target.
I thought, well hell, I can do that. It was a Monday so I set my target to work out four to five days that week...and I did. So I set another target for four to five days and completed it. So I continued setting targets and here I am...
Five weeks after that, I started "Beast Mode" which was just targets of 5 days of cardio and 4 days of strength. I hadn't been doing strength so I figure "Beast Mode" would help me kick it up a notch. I'm on my 5th week of beast mode and I have Amelia and Dr. Heer to truly thank.
When I didn't get to finish listening to the interview, I kept thinking about it and then I finally went back a week later and listened to it and I'm glad I did.
The interview changed the way I was thinking. By simply giving myself a target vs a goal my mental stop sign went away. It went to a constant green light, granting me the headspace to see what I could change in myself. Instead of I'll never drop those extra pounds, it was I can do it, but it's going to take time.
After a few successful weeks of working out, I decided to get a sample of Dr. Dain Heer's book Being You Changing the World sent to my kindle and I was gifted by some freak accident or power of the Universe the entire book.
I'm very glad I read it. It's enlightening and makes one think and makes one change their way of thinking.
Yes, some might read it and think, "crazy new age crap," "one step away from an occult," "this is stupid," but for me, it just opened my eyes to how I was limiting myself.
But I know it changed me.
I hate to use the word enlighten because many people associate it with self-help, gurus, yogis, spirituality, etc, but I was enlightened. I look at the world a little different. I take a slightly different approach than I did before.
Again, I go back to what jumpstarted the change and that was the interview...if changing the word goal to target could change my entire mental outlook on working out, what else was possible?
(Trust me, I still hate working out. I hate running. I hate the gym. I hate lifting weights. All of that is still there, but instead of having that emotion of hate stopping me, I just ignore it and do it anyway. As I told a friend, "I hate working out, but I enjoy the benefits from it.")
I like most of what Being You Changing the World says and I would say all, but there were parts that just flew over my head because I just couldn't wrap my brain around it or because I zoned out while reading it. I do find myself asking a lot of the questions it asks the reader to ask. I find that my world is a lot lighter.
What I like most about the book, is that it just asks you to ask yourself what else is possible and let the Universe answer the question for you.
I don't know if being me can change the world, but I do know that learning to be me, changed me...and maybe that's the change the world needed after all.
Seriously. LAUGHED.
IN. YOUR. FACE.
On Twitter, I follow, Amelia Burton, and she tweeted a link to her interview with Dr. Dain Heer. Because I am often on Amelia's site for health and fitness motivation, I clicked on the link and started to listen to the interview, but it was a crazy ass day, so I only listened to half of the interview, but something in that short time stuck with me that Dain said to Amelia and that was to not make a goal but to set an aim/target.
I thought, well hell, I can do that. It was a Monday so I set my target to work out four to five days that week...and I did. So I set another target for four to five days and completed it. So I continued setting targets and here I am...
Five weeks after that, I started "Beast Mode" which was just targets of 5 days of cardio and 4 days of strength. I hadn't been doing strength so I figure "Beast Mode" would help me kick it up a notch. I'm on my 5th week of beast mode and I have Amelia and Dr. Heer to truly thank.
When I didn't get to finish listening to the interview, I kept thinking about it and then I finally went back a week later and listened to it and I'm glad I did.
The interview changed the way I was thinking. By simply giving myself a target vs a goal my mental stop sign went away. It went to a constant green light, granting me the headspace to see what I could change in myself. Instead of I'll never drop those extra pounds, it was I can do it, but it's going to take time.
After a few successful weeks of working out, I decided to get a sample of Dr. Dain Heer's book Being You Changing the World sent to my kindle and I was gifted by some freak accident or power of the Universe the entire book.
I'm very glad I read it. It's enlightening and makes one think and makes one change their way of thinking.
Yes, some might read it and think, "crazy new age crap," "one step away from an occult," "this is stupid," but for me, it just opened my eyes to how I was limiting myself.
But I know it changed me.
I hate to use the word enlighten because many people associate it with self-help, gurus, yogis, spirituality, etc, but I was enlightened. I look at the world a little different. I take a slightly different approach than I did before.
Again, I go back to what jumpstarted the change and that was the interview...if changing the word goal to target could change my entire mental outlook on working out, what else was possible?
(Trust me, I still hate working out. I hate running. I hate the gym. I hate lifting weights. All of that is still there, but instead of having that emotion of hate stopping me, I just ignore it and do it anyway. As I told a friend, "I hate working out, but I enjoy the benefits from it.")
I like most of what Being You Changing the World says and I would say all, but there were parts that just flew over my head because I just couldn't wrap my brain around it or because I zoned out while reading it. I do find myself asking a lot of the questions it asks the reader to ask. I find that my world is a lot lighter.
What I like most about the book, is that it just asks you to ask yourself what else is possible and let the Universe answer the question for you.
I don't know if being me can change the world, but I do know that learning to be me, changed me...and maybe that's the change the world needed after all.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Beast Mode: Week 4 Recap
This week was a lot better than last week. I've noticed changes in my body as well. Clothes are a little bigger and I've lost 7 lbs.
Day 1:
Cardio: 38 minutes on treadmill
@ 4.3 to 4.4 speed
4 60 second breaks at 3.0 speed
4 min walk warm up @ 3.0 speed
2 min walk cool down at 3.0 speed
Strength:
4x25 lat press (machine) @ 25 lbs
6x20 chest press (machine) @ 10lbs
abs
Day 2: rest
Day 3:
Cardio: 46 minutes on treadmill
@ 4.4 speed
Strength:
4x25 leg press machine @ 25 lbs
4x25 leg extension (machine) @ 10 lbs
4x25 leg curl (machine) @ 25 lbs
Day 4:
Cardio: 47 minutes on treadmill
@ 4.4-4.5 speed
Strength:
4x25 lat press (machine) @ 25 lbs
3x15 chest press (machine) @ 10 lbs
3x15 shoulder press (machine) @ 10 lbs
2x21 tricep & bicep @ 10lbs (I got distracted and realized I only did one set of each)
Day 5: rest
Day 6:
Cardio: 3.81 miles walk/run in 57 minutes
22 minutes on treadmill @ 4.5 speed
Strength:
4x30 leg press (machine) @ 25 lbs
4x10 chest press (machine) @ 10 lbs
4x20 arm extension (weights) @ 10 lbs
abs
Day 7:
Cardio: 30 minute walk/run
Day 1:
Cardio: 38 minutes on treadmill
@ 4.3 to 4.4 speed
4 60 second breaks at 3.0 speed
4 min walk warm up @ 3.0 speed
2 min walk cool down at 3.0 speed
Strength:
4x25 lat press (machine) @ 25 lbs
6x20 chest press (machine) @ 10lbs
abs
Day 2: rest
Day 3:
Cardio: 46 minutes on treadmill
@ 4.4 speed
Strength:
4x25 leg press machine @ 25 lbs
4x25 leg extension (machine) @ 10 lbs
4x25 leg curl (machine) @ 25 lbs
Day 4:
Cardio: 47 minutes on treadmill
@ 4.4-4.5 speed
Strength:
4x25 lat press (machine) @ 25 lbs
3x15 chest press (machine) @ 10 lbs
3x15 shoulder press (machine) @ 10 lbs
2x21 tricep & bicep @ 10lbs (I got distracted and realized I only did one set of each)
Day 5: rest
Day 6:
Cardio: 3.81 miles walk/run in 57 minutes
22 minutes on treadmill @ 4.5 speed
Strength:
4x30 leg press (machine) @ 25 lbs
4x10 chest press (machine) @ 10 lbs
4x20 arm extension (weights) @ 10 lbs
abs
Day 7:
Cardio: 30 minute walk/run
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Lostprophets "Jesus Walks" Video
This is my favorite song off their current CD "Weapons," and in my opinion this band should be bigger than they are in the US.
Such a great video.
Such a great video.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Beast Mode: Week 3 Recap
Week 3 of Beast Mode was the worst of the 3 weeks. Started out strong was horrible for 3 days and got better the last two.
Day 1:
Cardo: 38.15 minutes walk/run
Strength:
3x20 Chest Press (fw)
3x10 Lat Press (fw)
3x20 Pushup
Day 2:
Cardio: completed did not write down time :(
Strength:
3x20 leg press
3x20 leg extension
3x20 leg curl
Day 3: NOTHING
Day 4: NOTHING
Day 5: NOTHING
Day 6:
Cardio: 57 minutes walk/run 3.20 miles
Strength:NONE - correction I did do strength, I just didn't write it down so there I don't remember what I did besides abs
Day 7:
Cardio: 57 minutes walk/run 3.20 miles
Day 1:
Cardo: 38.15 minutes walk/run
Strength:
3x20 Chest Press (fw)
3x10 Lat Press (fw)
3x20 Pushup
Day 2:
Cardio: completed did not write down time :(
Strength:
3x20 leg press
3x20 leg extension
3x20 leg curl
Day 3: NOTHING
Day 4: NOTHING
Day 5: NOTHING
Day 6:
Cardio: 57 minutes walk/run 3.20 miles
Strength:
Day 7:
Cardio: 57 minutes walk/run 3.20 miles
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Songs of My Life: August 2012
August was a month of living and having reminders on how to live my life. It was a blessed month and I am grateful it came to me in such a spiritual and receiving way.
Where We Belong by Lost prophets
I just love the lyrics: "I'll make it through each day singing death or glory. Lord won't answer me, I won't let it bring me down. I know these clouds are gray, that I am living under. I know I'll be okay with the rain or thunder..."
"I'll make it through each day singing death or glory" became my motto for August.
Start Livin' by Donavon Frankenreiter
A great song with a clear message...start living. Another song that was a reminder to me of how to live my life.
A Pirate Looks at Forty by Jimmy Buffett
When I first heard this song, I cried. I think I was 13 or 14 and it was as if Jimmy had written the song for me. It is my favorite Jimmy Buffett song and as I traveled to Atlanta for a friends wedding, this song popped up on my iPod. I sang out loud at the top of my lungs with tears streaming down my face. Instead of being an over 40 victim of fate, I was an over 30 victim of fate...I was reminded that I was okay.
Heart on Loan by Lostprophets
I just love the lyrics to this song. I put this song in my oldest niece's mix of songs I want to give her when she is 16. Just a song to let her know she is not alone.
Night of the Hunter by Thirty Seconds to Mars
This song is such a fantastic story. I have a novel idea that was inspired by it and I hadn't quite been able to get the idea out but after listening to this song again, I kind of have all the details sorted out.
Closer to the Edge by Thirty Seconds to Mars
This song will ALWAYS have special meaning to me. Sometimes when I need to feel connected with my mom, this song will pop up on my iPod as a reminder that she is with me. Then there are times when I just need a reminder on how to live and that she's there for me.
Bottle of Jesus by Beth Hart
There were moments in August, I felt like the lyrics to this song..."Break out the bottle of Jesus. Plug in the black light rosary. Somebody's waiting to save me. Be it rain or shine I'll get high like summertime...I'll kick that bastard like a can. It's an All-Americana party time I don't listen to rules or Gospel. They're just trying to shut me up..."
Where We Belong by Lost prophets
I just love the lyrics: "I'll make it through each day singing death or glory. Lord won't answer me, I won't let it bring me down. I know these clouds are gray, that I am living under. I know I'll be okay with the rain or thunder..."
"I'll make it through each day singing death or glory" became my motto for August.
Start Livin' by Donavon Frankenreiter
A great song with a clear message...start living. Another song that was a reminder to me of how to live my life.
A Pirate Looks at Forty by Jimmy Buffett
When I first heard this song, I cried. I think I was 13 or 14 and it was as if Jimmy had written the song for me. It is my favorite Jimmy Buffett song and as I traveled to Atlanta for a friends wedding, this song popped up on my iPod. I sang out loud at the top of my lungs with tears streaming down my face. Instead of being an over 40 victim of fate, I was an over 30 victim of fate...I was reminded that I was okay.
Heart on Loan by Lostprophets
I just love the lyrics to this song. I put this song in my oldest niece's mix of songs I want to give her when she is 16. Just a song to let her know she is not alone.
Night of the Hunter by Thirty Seconds to Mars
This song is such a fantastic story. I have a novel idea that was inspired by it and I hadn't quite been able to get the idea out but after listening to this song again, I kind of have all the details sorted out.
Closer to the Edge by Thirty Seconds to Mars
This song will ALWAYS have special meaning to me. Sometimes when I need to feel connected with my mom, this song will pop up on my iPod as a reminder that she is with me. Then there are times when I just need a reminder on how to live and that she's there for me.
Bottle of Jesus by Beth Hart
There were moments in August, I felt like the lyrics to this song..."Break out the bottle of Jesus. Plug in the black light rosary. Somebody's waiting to save me. Be it rain or shine I'll get high like summertime...I'll kick that bastard like a can. It's an All-Americana party time I don't listen to rules or Gospel. They're just trying to shut me up..."
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